“Be kind to others…theyre fighting there own battles to!”
I found this inspired piece of oriental wisdom in my fortune cookie. A sugary treat paired with a thought-provoking message…does it get any better than that? The answer is yes, it does, because the cookie tasted like baked cardboard and the fortune (blatant commie-propaganda aside) was replete with spelling errors. Damn orientals. Them, the French…the Mexicans…don’t forget the towel heads out there in Zanzibar or whatever. They all SUCK.
Oh! Many pardons! I’m rambling before I’ve even introduced myself! My name is Ian Davis, and my evil sister, Palmer, is going to post this guest entry on her blog before I smash her kneecaps with a steel pipe. So! Let me say what a great honor it is to appear on her prestotadigidious site! But why me, you may be asking yourself? Why feature the ramblings of a chain-smoking, coffee guzzling nut-job? Borderline alcoholic? Pervert, pe…well…the truth is I liken my life to a shallow stream. A stream that has been glutted with dead fish, beer cans, and radioactive sewage. It’s the dive bar in the bad part of town, whose lone patrons are a wrinkly, middle-aged hag named Denise and some fat bastard named Mike, his coveralls, face and hands encrusted in grime. It’s the gory mess you found in th…oh, you get the analogy?
I’m here because some of us are losers. Yup! Losers with no job, no women, no self respect…losers who turn, frequently, to the Internet for entertainment when the bottle’s empty and you find yourself alone and gloomy at two in the morning. I thought my sister was someone I could count on in this respect. I thought I could count on her to provide the chuckles! The laughs! The tales of dazzling exploits! The breakthroughs, the ups, the downs, the merry-go-rounds! The sighs and tears incredibly short stories and whatnot! It seems I was sorely mistaken.
Lately, we’ve had to wait far too long for her to release a new blog post! I had to wait a WEEK for her to post something new! A week! My thirst unquenched, my lust for new content unsatisfied! She didn’t toss us a SCRAP! I needn’t tell you friends, it’s a double-edged sword. She sucks us in with her brilliant writing, makes us giggle and gasp like adorable schoolgirls (sweet, nubile schoolgirls)…then abandons us! She’s like a drug dealer! Sure, the first hit is free…but when you NEED more, you’ll have to pay! Or wait, or something! It starts with great blogs, yeah! But it ends when you’re an emaciated, shuffling blog-whore, jerking jerks for some shreds of intelligent writing! It’s all in her plan, though. My sister is a demon sent from the fiery bowels of hell.
Anyway, Bingo! Here I am! I’m sure there are plenty of you who have come here for your fix today…you’re probably waiting for Palmer to post something, aren’t you? FOOLS! Shhh, shhh…don’t be afraid! I’m here to fill the void, little grasshopper. I’m plenty interesting! And witty? Hah! My razor-sharp wit is like a sharp cutting thing, slicing through something soft! Rub the eye-boogers away, you slack-jawed freaks…I’m here to rock the show! Soon, you’ll fall under my spell! Together, we’ll escape Palmer’s addictive blogs and walk, proudly, into a new age! An age where I am awesome and you all love me! THE REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN! Just nod and smile so we can move on, awright?
So, I’ll just kick things off…I’ve been playing a lot of video games lately. The Nintendo Gamecube (which looks like a bomb) is ideal for a wanderer like myself, as you can fit it into any piece of luggage and freak out the airport guys! And, since I don’t have a life anymore, I’m free to pick a game from the catalogue and dedicate an unhealthy amount of time to it! It’s, like, awesome! Now you’re probably wondering what games are worth getting, and I’ll tell you. Resident Evil 4 and Soul Calibur 2. That’s it. Well! That didn’t take long, did it? Funny and informative, aren’t I?
I’m hoping to cover all my bases here, so I’ll speed right on to movies. I finally saw The Last King Of Scotland, and it was really, really, really, really good. I mean…I really liked it! Uh…that’s all I got on that, so let’s move on…music! Check out Bonobo, it’s good stuff. Ah…uh…hey, some fat lady just walked by! But what is she doing out at this ungodly hour? I wonder if she’s a serial killer. She’s really fat. Maybe I should go inside…she looks wierd. Like her eyes are kinda glowing. I’ll bet she could eat a man whole in one sitting! Man, writing is hard. I wish Palmer would write more so I wouldn’t have to resort to things like this.
So…uh…anyway…yeah, this has been awesome for me! Nice to be on the show…
FOR GOD’S SAKE, PALMER! WE NEED OUR FIX! WE NEED OUR FIIIIIIX!
I have to go scrub the bathroom floor with a toothbrush now. Shhhh, little piggy…shh…most trusted advisor…Ashcroft…X-Files…